stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid

Shitshitshitshitshit. Uuuugghhhh!!!! Okay so I'm pissed. Last week after the Saturday evening groups I told Nick that I didn't want to go to the Bible evening that would happen the following Saturday (tonight). I said that I am very spiritually confused as it is and I can't handle any more input and my brain is too crowded with complex thoughts about what I believe; he said it was fine, he would just need some help setting up in the hall but I didn't have to stay. So then 20 minutes ago at lunch the topic came up again and Nick reminded me that he would need my help setting up even though I'm not going. Paule asked me why I wasn't going (in her usual condescension-tinged tone) and again I explained that I am very spiritually confused as it is and more input is very overwhelming. She said, "Well it's okay for this time I suppose but we have Bible evening every week here (in Bracken) and you are expected to go." I said, "Yes, well I'll need to talk to you about that." She went on to say that I must have known that I was coming into a Christian Community based village and I "must have read the papers they sent you." I said I never recieved any papers detailing the religious life of Botton and I knew only what the website described and what I heard from Georgie. She insisted that papers must have been sent to me, and pointed out that I don't have the excuse of not being able to speak English. I gritted my teeth and said, "Yes, that's true. But I don't remember seeing any papers. All I got was a map and pamphlet about the workshops." Paule said that I hadn't even been to a Bible evening yet so I don't know what they're like, and I said that I am certainly not one to dislike something I had never been to and I will go to one at some point. Nick compared the situation to someone coming to Botton and refused to do the washing up because they didn't like it which is RIDICULOUS because the washing up isn't a BELIEF. We're talking about BELIEF here people, not fucking sudsy water. Jesus christ I hate shit like this. I hate the bible and christianity. Okay that's less than true...I respect other people's beliefs, but I can't fucking stand it when those beliefs are foisted on me. I don't think the Christian Community is very fire-and-brimstone based, but I think the bible is total shit and I would have an anurism if I had to sit around and talk about it. Mostly because I wouldn't agree with any of it but force myself to keep my mouth shut, which is hard enough as it is. Ugh. Stupid religion.