But I don't suck. They don't want to send me back. I met with Paule, Claire, Justin, Magdalena and Paul Abel (representing the foundation year people) at High Farm for my review. Paul had a sheet with some basic questions on it, and frankly I was terrified because I didn't know what to say about my difficulties with Paule! I wasn't sure how honest I should be or how honest she was going to be about her feelings towards me, so I felt pretty awkward. When asked about difficulties I said that it took a while for Paule and I to get sued to each other due to personality differences, and that in the beginning I made a lot of mistakes and bad judgments but I learned from them. Paule said that I had a lot to digest when I came here and it has been a slow process for me to be settled in. I agreed. Both Magda and Justin had nothing but great things to say, and both feel they can give me big responsibilities and sure about it. Justin also praised me for asking questions about things and having an awareness of when things aren't right either with the villagers or something on the farm. We talked about my wrist and how the physical side of farming has been difficult, but Justin said we'll just work around it (the wrist problem) until it gets better. He also said I'm a keen milker and I have a very good relationship with all the villagers. Woot. Paule also said that I'm very good with the villagers in the house and I've taken on Stephanie quite a bit and been very dilligent with her teeth brushing, so much so in fact, that the dentist has been extremely pleased with the improvement in her gum health. Woot again.
But then there was the horribly awkward and scary part where Paule said that I never take initiative in the house, for example, I never go into the laundry and hang up some clothes. She also said that I made it very clear from the beginning that I worked so hard in my workshops I was too tired to do any work in the house. And I thought--HEY! I never said that! If she were ever to ask me to do something I would certainly do it without protest! AND I seem to recall a certain Saturday afternoon I spent cleaning the kitchen windows and then the floor-to-ceiling windows in the entryway which were so beyond dirty I worked for over an hour. But I didn't say anything to defend myself. I just sat there, mortified. Luckily, Claire is my heroine and savior and came to my rescue with a cheerful "soooo what you're saying is, you'd like some more help in the house, and Robin from what I understand, it would be helpful to you if Paule would vocalize this need more often." Or something like that. I had talked about how I suck at active listening and I'm trying really hard to get better at it and be more aware of things but I do really just need her to say, "hey it would be really great if you could ___" So it was really awkward but I think very good. In the end we all agreed that we feel confident giving me solo responsibility at times. Honestly I thought Paule was gonna say "actually no I don't think she's responsible enough," but she didn't. So now I have to go to co-worker supper and foundation course shtuffs.
Onward and upward.