Thursday, January 22, 2009


For a while I've been wondering how Paule has been feeling about me. Sometimes we have moments where we connect and bond and things seem to be fine, but other times I've felt a wall dividing us. Last night I milked and didn't get home until ten past six. I changed my clothes and then went down to the kitchen where Paule had started preparing supper. I could tell she was cross, and as I started to help her she said, "Aren't you supposed to prepare supper on a Wednesday?" And I said yes, but that I had just come in at ten past from milking. She said something like, "I know you think I'm a cold bitch, but I don't ask for much," or something to that effect, and I was totally taken aback and told her that I don't think that at all and I'm sorry I said that stuff before but I've changed my mind completely and I actually really like her! Then Nick came in and the subject changed and it was over.
We had a normal supper, and afterward in the kitchen I told Paule we should talk more and she said she had to prepare a soup for today's lunch and we could talk then. So a little while later I went down and sat on the aga (big british oil heated stove/oven thingy with a warming plate perfect for warming your bum) and waited for her. She came in and I peeled veggies for her while we talked. She said she feels like I'm judging her all the time and she can't be herself or relax around me because she feels so observed. And I said oh nooo I'm not judging you I'm gauging how you're feeling! So basically what she thought was me judging her was me trying to figure out how stressed she is and whether or not I need to be more actively helpful or something. So she seemed relieved to hear that and I think/really hope she believes it's sincere because it is! Then we talked about Emily coming back and how she's really dreading it and her parents are actually lying to us and the social worker about stuff and it's just all really stressful and annoying and she keeps thinking she can do as much as she used to but in reality she's getting older and actually isn't as able as she used to be, and she and Nick are going away for two weeks in February for a big family holiday to celebrate her sixtieth birthday and her and Nick's 30th wedding anniversary and she's worried about Emily being here and how thats gonna work without her, and I just felt this big relief to have her tell me these things and really get everything out in the open so it's not some big shock at my review, which is coming pretty soon. Then I went over my 'yellow book' (Foundation course workbook) with her and she signed things and now I can hand it in to Allan and get that off my back.
On another note, Steph is having fit after fit today and I'm spending the afternoon home with her since Paule is away getting Emily and Nick has to work in the press. I'll explain later....

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