oh, today

bad afternoon. intense farm work involving lots of mud/pulling/stopping/hyperventilating/crying/pulling/stopping/falling/crying/hyperventilating/you get the idea. i get pissed at myself for not being able to do things even though it is so not my fault i weigh 110 pounds and have no upper body strength, and then i get pissed when people help me or think i need help when really i do need help i just don't want to admit it and then hurt myself or cry instead. also i think i'm PMSing. that would explain the spontaneous tears that happened like ten times today. i smelled a horse's forelock and burst into tears...THAT was weird. brought back all kinds of weird/sad/confusing feelings since i haven't smelled a horse in like four years. i felt really bad for stopping horseback riding when i went to WT...like i abandoned the horses. when i went home i always felt like i should visit them, and i did a few times, but then i stopped. i've always felt gulty about that for some reason and i guess smelling the horse created this weird flashback sensation. anyway. the forelock smelling came after the intense farm work was finished and justin asked if i was okay because I looked pissed off and I said i was fine but then handed my jacket and hat and gloves to Luis and said I would meet them back at the byres because I had to do something. I took off my wellies and walked barefoot up to Mickey's horses and, well, all the emotional weirdness happened. So, still barefoot, I walked back to the byres and, still barefoot, helped with the mucking out. I felt better, calmed down. Justin noticed my lack of footwear and I said, "I'm actually usually barefoot, but because of the whole 'set a good example' thing, I haven't been since I got here." and he said its totally not a problem and he worked with someone once who never wore shoes. eventually, after tea break, my feet were a bit numb with cold, so i went back to bracken and washed them off and put my socks and wellies back on.

Luis and i walked and talked our way to the co-worker supper and supper was yummy and then i went to the cottage with Micha and Maisa to do wool pictures for our craft group as part of the foundation course. Christiana, the woman who led it, is a bit cooky. she was correcting people's pictures and telling them to do it a different way and i'm thinking, um, it's art. chill out. but it was nice, and the walk back was long (the cottage is up by New Botton Farm on the other side of the village) but the moon was full and I didn't have a torch so it was pretty.

now i'm up too late again. balls.
night.