Oy. So. I took a shower and then went down and started preparing supper. I noticed that we didn't have any rolls, which we usually have on Sunday nights, and I knew Paule was in the sitting room, and I thought, "Shit. I'm gonna have to talk to her. Shit. I'm scared." So I went in and said, "Paule I couldn't find any buns, should I do bread for supper?" And she looked up and said cheerily, "Oh yes I think we ate them all at the Bible evening; do we have enough bread?" She was acting totally normal, like nothing had happened. So I went along with it. We went about preparing supper together and acting cheerful and damn Paule is either a really good actress, or she is actually fine after what happened. I had to leave in hte middle of supper to go to choir rehearsal for the Evening for Those Who Have Died that happened tonight. I was late already, but I ran into Ben and Liza on the way and when they asked me why I wasn't at the party last night I told them everything. Ben had a lot of trouble in Nook House and eventually moved out, so he could totally relate. Liza was just like whooaaa shit. I got to the hall really late but found out that the rehearsal was actually at 6:00, so I REALLY missed it! But I figured out what we would do and then did it. It was just two songs (the horrid Japanese song about eh end of the world, and a nice one called Who Stands at the Threshold) and then we sat down. It was lovely. There were several Eurethmy performances accompanied sometimes by Timothy Edwards doing what I think was Speech Eurethmy, which is like...I can't describe it. Sometimes it was in a different language and sometimes it was in English, but there were a lot of rolled r's and it was almost like it had a melody but not quite. Very cool. And the others were accompanied by beautiful cello violin and piano music. Afterwards I saw Andreas in the foyer and he asked why I wasn't at the party and I said, "Got an hour?" He said, "Yeah." So we went outside and talked/smoked (I know, I know, I promise not to get cancer) for like two hours in the freezing cold. He's the best person to talk to ever. We like, have the same brain or something. Except his is german. Anyway I came home and talked to Phil about it all (he had seen and heard it all anyway) and he said he had seen it coming for a long time. I was like, wait, am I stupid or something? Has Paule been pissed at me for a while and I somehow didn't notice? But he said no, she's just been getting more and more stressed out and the whole Bible evening affair was exceptionally stressful because for her everything has to be perfect. And I'm like, that's so fucking stupid! What a completely inane thing to be stressed out about! In the grand scheme of things, who gives a shit if your bible evening isn't perfect? She just causes more stress for herself than necessary I think it is so ludicriss when people stress themselves out over little tasks, but it's even worse when they take it out on others. Laaame. Phil said she fights with Madeline like that too...which is kind of a relief to hear. I've heard all this stuff about how Madi and I are supposedly really similar and I've been thinking, "Ok, so does Paule yell at her like that?" And the answer is yes.
I think things will be okay. I thought of a good plan tonight, and that is that I want to have a day with Paule where she can show me how to do some of the things she does so perfectly, like slicing the bread and the cheese and the meat in these perfect slices and really talk to her about what happened and why and how she feels about the note I left her (which I noticed is no longer on ehr door, meaning she must have read it by now), but I don't know if she wants to talk about it. It's a big problem if she doesn't. Sweeping it under the rug doesn't do anyone any good. So I'm going to go to High Farm tomorrow and talk to Claire as well. I feel like I've recited this story a million times by now and it still feels like a bad dream.